Author Archive
Reflection On Love, Part I, II & III
Reflections On Love Part I
Across the lawn on the green wall, where she grows salad produce Judith is picking salad leaves with Mariakse, our three year old, the first born of my womb. Those leaves will go into the bowl to go with our meal this evening. She grows an amazing range of herbs and leaves there, many of which have a medicinal quality but all of which go to make some beautifully fragrant salad combinations. She is wearing one of her white linen summer dresses that mark the line of her slender frame so nicely. I am reflecting on the beauty I see. Mariaske is sitting on her shoulders to reach leaves at the top of the wall. I could hear Judith giving her instructions, always so very patient with the children, to me it is part of her beauty. The dipping evening sun was shinning through that white dress showing another aspect of her beauty. The funny thing is that I can see her naked form any time I wish but as I watched her there the covering of her long white dress seemed to be all the more erotic. I know that many couples on becoming parents feel a loss of their sexuality but watching that lovely form I wondered just how that could be because for me becoming a mother has enhanced the sensuality in my life. The more I watched the more I wanted to slip upstairs with her for a few minutes, and with those rather tantalising thoughts in my head I dozed off in the evening sun.
Falling (The Need For Wings)
Judith Brain Surgery
“And here I am falling,
Oh why am I falling.
Take me to where I belong.
I’m standing here falling,
Before you falling.
If it weren’t for your wings I’d be gone.”
From the moment Judith went into hospital Nicky (8) and Hilke (9) were constantly on at me not to let her have any surgery until they were there when she was woken up afterwards. I have to confess that perhaps I did not pay as much attention at first as I should, wrapped up as I was in my own worries about Judith, but the increasingly difficult behaviour of my kids eventually forced me to take notice. So while I set about trapping six of the neighbourhood cats they had set to roaming the house and cleaning the whipped cream off the kitchen floor, units, walls and ceiling I spoke with the kids while trying not to scream at them. Having spent the last eleven years living at close quarters with first one then two hearing impaired people I am a little surprised that it has given me both an insight and at the same time left me somewhat insensitive to them and their world, but sometimes the rush of life can blind any of us.
After Judith’s last experience of waking from surgery the children had later asked their mother what made it so horrid and frightening for her. They were confused as they had been told by all the adults around them that their mother would be fine, that she was in “good hands” and yet they had seen what they had seen and were therefore confused. Eventually they asked her and Judith had told them that she hated it so much because the first thing she felt as she started to wake was that she was falling, plunging down at great speed and without any control. This was not just a physical feeling, but she felt like she was falling in her heart as well. It is a legacy of the destruction wrought to her hearing and balance centres twelve years ago of course. When that hammer smashed into her skull it destroyed a great deal.
When we go through a change in the state of consciousness our sense of hearing is the last thing to go and the first thing to come back as we go and so it provides some sort of anchor to our senses but, just what do you experience when that sense is as well totally gone, and layered on top is compromised vision ?
The answer it appears is that you feel like you are falling, falling a very long way. I am rather ashamed that it took my children to highlight this and demand to be with their mother as she woke so that maybe they could in some metaphorical way catch her. I spoke with Nonke, the child psychologist of our little group and she thought that given Nicky’s extreme sensitivity to Judith’s problem following the encounter with the English tourist that it would be a good idea to do just as they were asking. So then we contacted the nurses and doctors looking after her and “wake-up day” was carefully planned for when the children could be there.
Thirty hours after the surgery she was unhooked from ICU and taken to the neurology ward where she was brought up from the induced coma with Hilke and Nicholas either side of her clinging onto a hand each. Movies and TV always get it so wrong in their portrayals of waking from a coma. The heroine, hair and make up all perfect, flutter their eyelids and gracefully wake up. It is all very clean, very lady like and utterly false. Back in the real world there were naso-gastric tubes, central-lines, breathing tubes, drains and pressure sensors springing from her partially shaved head like some StarTrek cyborg. Waking up can be anything but pretty and dignified as the person chokes, coughs or vomits, sometimes waking up only to go straight into shock. No it is definitely not as shown on TV.
We had prepared the kids carefully to focus just on their mother not on what else went on around them. Then the agent to reverse the effects of the muscle relaxants was injected into the central IV line. As she started to wake and fight the ET tube it was swiftly removed. Normally at this point the patient would be talked to, told where they are and what is happening and about to happen in order to reduce the waking distress, but of course when you are deaf you have to be left to wake into confusion, disorientation and panic. Nicky was signing onto the palm of her hand and it did appear to work to some degree. Hilke was caressing her face and neck in the same way we had caressed and tickled all our children to calm and reassure them all their lives, it made me smile inside to see it. Considering that on previous occasions I have seen Judith wake fighting and screaming and kick a doctor so hard he became a patient himself this was a peaceful waking by comparison.
Then she was there, Judith was back. She was groggy, sore and not firing on all cylinders but she was definitely back, the rest would come over the next few hours and days but I was happy and relieved that the big hurdle had been cleared.
Then it happened – my heart was pierced.
I watched as Nicky signed to his mother that he and Hilke had been there, to stop her “Falling”. I saw the look of recognition cross her drawn face as then in slow and painful movements Judith replied in sign;
“Don’t worry [precious ones]. You are MY wings, and when you have wings you cannot fall”.
My heart felt like it was bleeding as the message of this little exchange swept over me. From my eight year olds seeing what I had not, to the realisation that for all Judith’s apparent inner strength she was in fact so totally reliant on the infallible and imperfect people around her, to my total pride in the empathy shown by the children. This was the beauty of the small moment born of love that I had just witnessed. The rewards of parenting really do come from those unexpected small moments of revelation – and for me at that moment it was almost too much bear.
It was not until late that evening back at the house on the Singelgracht that I cried. I had been recounting the day’s events to Nonke, Tyjardia and my sister in law Carol when Tyjardia got up and dropped her iPod into the HiFi dock. As the music played I listened, LISTENED – a privilege that I still have. As I absorbed the words of the song I dissolved into tears as I remembered my day and seeing Judith’s wings in action, helping prevent her falling. I often try and imagine the fears that life would hold for me if I were deaf and my sight inefficient. I could manage a day, maybe two, but a week, a month, a year, ten years ? I believe I would be looking for my wings very quickly indeed as fears and terror slowly tried to squeeze the life out of my life. I could understand her fear of falling now and her words to the children.
So, my thanks to the wonderful English folk singer Kate Rusby for expressing what I am sure Judith would express if she were able to still enjoy music, as well as my thanks to my little bundles of character and contradiction commonly referred to as my children. Between you all you gave a perfect moment of happiness and pain, yin and yang.
Falling by Kate Rusby (1.9mb download)
You heard me shout hear me shout when no one’s about,
You find me where I can’t be seen.
I feel the air flowing for life’s in full swing,
So tell me why I cannot breathe.
And here I am falling,
Oh why am I falling.
Take me to where I belong.
I’m standing here falling,
Before you falling.
If it weren’t for your wings I’d be gone.
Time moves on and time won’t be long,
In time I will fear not the day.
I’m endlessly knowing that you’ll never know
What I might want you to say.
And here I am falling,
Oh why am I falling.
Take me to where I belong.
I’m standing here falling,
Before you falling.ings I’d be gone.
My back it aches, my body it breaks;
To grow my own wings I have tried.
And painless I came no aim must remain,
Alone and adrift on the tide
But here I’m still falling,
Oh why am I falling.
Take me to where I belong.
I’m standing here falling,
Before you falling.
If it weren’t for your wings I’d be gone.
And here I’m still falling,
Oh why am I falling.
Take me to where I belong.
I’m standing here falling,
Before you falling.
If it weren’t for your wings
I hope Mevrouw Rusby will excuse my providing this track (albeit in much reduced quality). I urge you my dear readers to visit her web site, purchase (as I have done) her albums and help in some small way to promote her lovely talent
Kate Rusby on Amazon:
Amazon.de
Amazon.co.uk
Author: Nina
WiFi Dog !
I love my father in-law, actually I adore both my father and mother in-law but today I am talking about my father in-law.
My father in law Harry is this placid, patient, generous farmer who is incredibly skilled with his hands in mechanics, electronics, in fact in almost anything. His mind is this boiling, bubbling pot of inventiveness that he applies to everything.
Sissi & Saddle Bags
One perennial problem for Judith has been keeping in touch when out and about. This took on new urgency and increased complexity after the injury that damaged her eyesight. Speech to text phones are less than perfect , SMS texting and e-mail messaging are definitely useful but once Judith’s eye sight was damaged we encountered a new problem, she could not see the text on the screen of most mobile phone texting devices. Apple’s iPhone was a possibility because applications have been developed that enhanced screen text but the down side is that iPhone is expensive to buy and run here in Europe, and it is so locked down by Apple that truly innovative development for the people with disabilities is severely restricted. There have been some interesting devices developed in the area of mobile phones but they are always expensive and the pace of development now is such that any investment in those devices effectively ties you into an expensive one or two year contract on technology that is very quickly obsolete.
The solution lay in the Netbook end of the PC market. These cheap devices are much more useful for deaf and visually impaired, but they are usually restricted to wi-fi networks limiting your to communication to only when you are in range of a public access point such as in a café, library, train station etc. This can be got around with 3G modems running off the mobile phone networks. The modems are now cheap and as long as you are not downloading large files they are cost effective but they plug into your netbook and run using power from the netbook shortening battery life and tying the modem to just that device.
One day at a family dinner at which we were discussing this problem and  Nonke’s oldest son Cees said, “What you need is a wifi router connected to a 3G modemâ€. Clearly the comment struck a note with Harry because the other weekend while spending the day at my in-laws farm Harry showed us his solution. Contained within the saddle bags worn by Judith’s guide dog Sissi were a lithium ion battery pack on one side with a 3G data modem attached. There was also an Apple iTouch, plugged into the battery pack and charging. In the other pack was an ASUS T91 Tablet PC with an 8†screen. The combined weight of all this was perhaps more than Sissi would normally carry but it was there to make a point. Harry told us that the MiFi battery lasts for five hours after which it can draw on the main power pack battery. The iTouch has it’s own internal battery but can also be charged from the main power pack battery. The small touch screen netbook runs about three and a half hours but can also be powered by the external battery. Coming onto the market now are a number of larger format touch screen devices in the 15cm to 25cm ranges, all of which could be suitable and lighter substitutes for the relatively heavy ASUS.
We have been testing the setup for the last couple of weeks in slightly different combinations and it has worked well. Occasionally in some of the oldest parts of the city the 3G connections drops, we think something to do with the density of the local stone in buildings here but aside from such minor problem it has worked well. So now Sissi is not only Judith ears and one third of her eyes, she is her wifi point and mobile communications centre. I am much happier knowing I can reach Judith more easily and I know she is more comfortable being out on her own knowing she has instant communications back to any of us. All of this using a set of components that are cheap enough on their own to be upgraded as better products come along and not tied down to long contracts.
WiFi Dogs
Waiting For Baby
Nina - Pregnant
We are still waiting for the appearance of our new little one. I say “still†because I am now past my due date by a few days, but one should always takes due-dates with a large pinch of salt. I am now most certainly feeling “Great with child†and fit to burst, and for the first time I have some back ache which I had managed to escape until now. Baby turned yesterday and now appears to be bouncing it’s head on top of my bladder as a result I am in the wc every five minutes. My breasts are like a pair of spurting rocks strapped to my chest and I feel like a super milking mama already – as soon as baby is born they will settle down into their routine but right now they as tense as I am !
It looks like we are set for a white Christmas (Hooray !) with the whole of Limburg blanketed in snow, ice and temperatures so far below zero that the rivers, ponds and lakes have frozen enough to skate on. Do not worry, I am not skating on them though I did skate on the ice ring on the Vrijthof (the city square) here in Maastricht at the winter fair. It was rather nice to see the other skaters giving me space as I glided past like an over filled river barge.
At this late stage in my pregnancy I thought a few thoughts about the life of a gravid woman were in order:
- Pregnancy Massage: A partner who knows how to do proper Pregnancy Massage. If you are pregnant and have never had a real pregnancy massage then go send your spouse off on a massage course, you will not regret it.
- Pregnancy Corset: I LOVE my hand made Lycia corsets, they should be given free to all pregnant women. They support your stomach muscles, take the strain off your pelvic floor and keep your skin from going all wrinkled. They work post-partum as well. Three weeks after having Mariaske my stomach was back to flat and three more weeks the muscles had fully regained their original tone – cool eh ! It is during pregnancy that they really help the most and can be supplemented by an adjustable support band under your belly bump.
- My bidet: Honestly I do not understand how the world outside Europe functions when they do not have bidets, I have spoken to some American women who have actually never seen a bidet let alone experienced the cleansing joy of using one ! How can any woman actually feel she has a properly clean undercarriage when she does not have access to a bidet ? A bidet comes into their own when we are menstruating but they really, really come into the < Absolutely Essential > category when you are knocked up.
- Pregnancy Sex, you cannot beat it, loved up on pregnancy hormones and an increased blood supply below the navel that puts everything there on a hair trigger all combined with a partner who really knows her way around the female body – Heaven !
- Digestive Enzymes: Any pregnant woman will tell you of experiencing heart burn of such strength that it can melt steel plate. Most will take antacids or ranitidine, neither of which are very good for you . Digestive enzymes are a natural solution that actually work and treat the problem at it’s route, they are also cheap.
So we will continue to wait.
Author : Nina
“Mama, Mama, Sinterklaas Hij Komt !”
“Mama, mama, Sinterklaas hij komt !â€
Sinterklaas
Such was the loud scream that woke me from a deep sleep and a dream where I had been singing to and nursing my as yet unborn baby this morning. There are times when I envy Judith her deafness like at seven am with a child screaming and bouncing about, but soon discarded the thought when I remembered they would simply have thrown themselves over her to convey their early message. Judith’s side of the bed was empty and this elicited a feeling a little guilty that she had probably already been awake and working for the last two hours while I had been dreaming. I started to drag my well rounded belly up and out of bed. The children were discussing with some vigor what would be happening at school today when Sinterklaas came to visit them, their excitement made me smile as I recalled my own childhood. As I looked at the clock I realised that it was time they got moving so I pushed them off to their bathroom to wash and dress.
In the small moment of peace and quiet after the kids had run out I heard the sounds of the kitchen downstairs and caught the warm, spiced smell of pastries baking. For the last week I had been making late night raids on the kitchen pantry to satisfy my pregnancy cravings for nice things to eat, stealing small portions of the delicious dishes that Judith had been busy making for the last ten days for various events, parties and house guests. The arrival of my in-laws yesterday had taken some of the load off her but even so I knew she will have a hard working weekend ahead of her because today (5th Dec) is the eve of the Feast of Sinterklaas, or St. Nicholas. This wonderful holiday is mostly one for the children (Sinterklaas being the patron saint of sailors & children) and many adults all over The Netherlands and the Flemish areas of Belgian. Sinterklaas or the St. Nicholas’ Feast Day occurs on December 6th, is observed in most Roman Catholic countries but it is only in the Low Countries, especially in the Netherlands, that the eve of his feast day, Sinterklaasavond, (Dec 5th) is celebrated nationwide by young and old with such glee.
Judith has added a page about this most wonderful of holidays here that you can read, complete with lots of photos, including pictures of some of the foods I have been stuffing my pregnant belly with (OK so it is an excuse, but pregnancy needs some perks!).
Today most places of business close a bit earlier than normal, with most staff disappearing home early. We spent yesterday evening decorating up the house and the children have each put out a shoe filled with a little gift for Sint Nikolaas’ horse. Judith and Yolanda will set out tables with traditional sweets, biscuits and delicious baked goodies. We always have large chocolate letters, the first initial of each person present to serve as place settings. Tonight there are fourteen chocolate to put out around the dinning table. During and after dinner we will play tricks and jokes on each other, teasing each other and make fun of each others’ habits, characteristics and mannerisms.  As we open our gifts (it must be opened it in front of others) further teasing and jokes will ensue and of course the real giver is supposed to remain anonymous, but you always know who it is. The children will of course be hoping for one of Harry’s (my father in law) wondrous toys that he is so good at making, and some other little goodies. The real joy of this holiday is the children and their reactions.
Here are some pictures from last year’s Sinterklaas celebrations at my in-laws home on their arm. harry and Yolanda have very generous spirits and a huge house which make hosting these events so perfect.
Now I must go and help get children and dogs ready to go out to the festivities on the Vrijhoft. Please have a very happy Sinterklaasavond & Sinterklaas. To all out friends, especially Tante Nova, Karl, Simon, Caspian, Tiffy and Lou all our  love as always.
XXXXXXXÂ Â Â Â Nina and Family./
