Archive for the ‘Anneke’ Category
Saying Goodbye To Anneke
The final chapter of Annke’s life closed yesterday (zaterdag) as we buried her. In the belongings that were given to me by the trustee of her estate, such as it was, there was remarkably little to tell the story of her life, and few clues as to the person that she was.
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Anneke’s belongings were sparse with most dating from the brief time in her teens when she appeared to function with some normality. There was a sketch book, started when she was 15 years old and ran to when she had just had Nicholas, that clearly showed the dark place that she found the world. Woven amongst the pictures were short verses, most equally as dark, with a few of hope. Most of those verses of hope were written while she was pregnant with Nicholas. There was a common theme in it all though, she simply felt that she did not belong in this life. When she looked around her all she ever saw was the pain, the injustice and common cruelty. One thing was clear, she loved cats. Nicholas loves cats as well, and they appear to love him as he seems to be something of a ‘cat whisperer’. She liked the colours blue and silver, she enjoyed snow, adored spring rains and loved hot chocolate, having a collections of hot chocolate sachets and wrappers. While she was pregnant she fought with her demons constantly and for the most part kept them at bay, falling foul of them only occasionally to drink and take drugs again. Obviously it was enough to damage her baby, but it could have been worse from what we read. Far from being a weak character she was immensely strong, but her mental illness was stronger in the end. We do know she was happy at Nicholas’s birth, but post partum she plunged into even deeper depression as she tortured herself with visions of her son’s future.
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I do not know how she came to be like this, there was nothing definitive in the material, though there was recurring imagery of the church and god and they were always shrouded in menace. Did she experience some event as a child to spark this ? I have asked an investigator to gather all they can about her life, if only to help Nicholas later on in his when he might wish to learn more about his mother. I do think we will ever know how she came to be the person she was but we considered that the service for her should not be religious, but rather be deist, and for this my mother stepped up and very kindly gave the occasion some reverence. So we gave thanks to the Universe for the life that Anneke left behind her in the form of Nicholas and remembered that each and every life enriches ours in some small way, and that every life lost diminishes us.
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In total thirty five people arrived for the funeral, all of them from either Nina’s family or mine and some friends. It included both of Nina’s parents, those of you who know us will know that getting them both together in one place is something of an event. Oma (Grandmother) came, the family Matriarch, and her presence sent out the message very clearly to everyone else that Nicholas mattered, that he was not “just the little orphan boy†anymore but was now considered firmly to be a member of the family. Funerals are always hard for little children to fully understand, but my mum and dad shepherded him through with humor and chat while Nina and I dealt with the usual family politics. Our guide dogs did what all dogs do and took a leek or two on some of the head stones much to the amusement of the children. The little dinner afterwards was pleasant and we all got to have catch up with each other and spoil Nicholas with some extra attention.
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In a month Nicholas will be six years old. He is a happy little boy, considerate and tolerant of others. He is especially tolerant of the constant teasing and annoyance of his big sister. His voice continues to grow and develop much to my very great relief, and he is getting very good at expressing how he feels and not repressing things, all of which will help him avoid the same demons that so haunted his mother. It is our hope that he is the sort humane soul that his Mother will be proud of.
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willothewisp
Departed
Anneke died a couple of days ago, late in the evening. I had spent the day there in her room, sitting with her, talking to her, reading to her and playing with little Mariaske in between. I guess it may seem strange to some, a deaf person reading to a catatonic one, but we don’t really know just how much of her was there, how much of her was still able to know what was about her and we could not bear for her to die alone if there was any chance of awareness being there. So for the last few days we have made the journey up to Dordrecht knowing that at least Nicholas would never be left with the thought that no one cared about his mother. I hope she did not mind our company, or having her room invaded by children, a babbling baby tossing her toys about and a curious guide dog or two. I can remember how such noises were always comforting to me when I could still hear, so I would like to think that they were some sort of comfort to her somewhere inside.
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I was just about to leave and catch the last train home when I noticed the rise and fall of her chest had dropped to almost nothing, so I sat back down, held her hand with a finger on her pulse and waited. I had seen it all before. Afterwards I sat with her for an hour, and got my laptop out and messaged Nina back in Maastricht and we talked briefly about when to tell Nicholas his mother had died, deciding not to wake him but to wait for morning. One of the hospice nurses and I then tended to Anneke, and I made sure that Tigger was still with her and a picture of Nicholas. The staff kindly put Mariaske, Sissi and myself up for the night, and in the morning I was able to give the funeral home their instructions. As Anneke had no one else we have decided to bury her in Maastricht, so then when Nicholas is ready he can visit her.
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Our thanks to Maryse Noten and all her staff for their care, patience and assistance. I have often thought that hospice work is rather under rated, we have midwives to usher us into the world and hospice nurses to usher us out, it is noble a thing they do.
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Our thanks also for all the lovely replies to Tigger, and the mails. I will try and catch up on some of the enormous backlog of mails we have over the weekend, children permitting !
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Judith & Nina van der Roos
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A Tigger For Mother
Above: Tigger is now looking after someone special
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For those wondering why we have been a little pre-occupied of late, our son’s birth mother is dying. We adopted Nicholas about three years ago after fostering him for several very difficult months when he was turning two years of age. He came to us a very disturbed little boy, severely neglected and ignored by a mother who was incapable of looking after herself let alone a baby. The only time he had experienced being picked up and held was when he needed changing and as a result any time he got any attention he promptly soiled himself. His face was black and blue from bashing himself against his cot sides in an effort to receive some sort of stimulation, shut away as he was shut away in his room for days on end. His arms had much of their skin scratched off in yet another effort to experience some sort of stimulus, because pain is better than no sensory input at all . He was also malnourished. He hardly ever made a sound, being deaf himself he just did not know what sound was. Can you imagine being a baby, not hearing, hardly ever being touched, having a mere fraction of the human interaction any normal baby experiences – you would beat and scratch yourself too ?
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So where was his mother, this woman who had put her own flesh into this living hell that was his existence, where was this “dead beat†?
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Since childhood Anneke had been a quiet, withdrawn child. In her first school she was identified as a child with potential problems, and by the time she was hitting puberty she was seriously depressed and in hospital. At 15 her depression was so serious that for three months she was completely withdrawn from the world. The first round of major psychiatric drugs brought her back for long enough to allow her to complete school, but no one who knew would ever say she was happy, not even content. The pattern of her existence had been set, and she started living her life in despair. In college she tried drink and for a little while it blotted out the misery that just waking up left her in. Later she graduated to hard drugs, and oddly enough for a few years she functioned. Then her parents died and she was left without living relatives and without that anchor she drifted further and further away from society. We know very little of the next five years of her life, there is no tax record of her working, there is no record of her claiming social security, she next pops up on society’s radar having just given birth to a baby boy in Breda. Midwives and social workers were concerned about her immediately as she appeared to be in the depths of a major depressive event, and placed her with her baby in a home where they could looked after together. Then one day she and the baby are gone and despite a major search she is not located. Eighteen months later she is picked up by the police in a squalid apartment in Heerlen, and this time she is admitted to a secure hospital and little Nicholas is treated for the worst of his neglect and then comes to stay with us for a while. While being treated in hospital Anneke tries to kill herself several times, each time taking a greater toll on her body and mind, until the last attempt leaves her all but catatonic.
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After the last failed attempt I found myself hoping for her sake that she had finally shut that part of her mind down that had caused her such pain and anguish all through her life. Certainly Nicholas has suffered at her hands, but at no time has there ever been any suggestion that it was the result of any malice on Anneke’s part. Anneke is just one of those unfortunate individuals who for some reason we do not understand cannot exist in this world, and but for some slight variation of fate any one of us could be her.
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Once it became clear that Anneke’s state was permanent we applied to adopt Nicholas, Nina having fallen in love with him the first time she saw him. It was a logical move having spent so much time and effort connecting him back to the world we could not bare to part with him, once again turning his world inside out and upside down. With no hope of recovery for Anneke and no living relatives the adoption went through easily.
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During the time he has been a part of our family we have visited Anneke every couple of months and sat beside her and told her how Nicholas is doing and have always left a picture of him beside her bed. Occasionally Nicholas has come with us. She has never reacted but that is no reason not to do these things, because somewhere in there part of her may know, mothers always have a connection with their child at some level.
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Now her liver and her kidneys are failing, her life is ending. This afternoon I sat in her room with Nicholas on my lap and we watched as Nina gave her a very careful wash and brushed her hair. We were rather touched when our six year old daughter took her hair grips out of her hair and handed them to Nina to put on Nicholas’s mother. We freshened the flowers in her room and then we helped Nicholas up to kiss her and he left his Tigger with her, one of his favored toys, tucked up in bed beside her.
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Tomorrow I will catch the train back to Dordrecht and sit with her because she has no one else and no one should have to be alone at a time like this, even if their mind is already dead to the world. She brought Nicholas into the world, and he is now a delightful and sweet child so the least we can do is give her some of our time and care.
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Author: Judith van der Roos
