Willothewisp

Archive for the ‘Death’ Category

 

My wife has, for the last 18 years, had a male in her life. This will come as a surprise to those who know Judith to be a life long lesbian, but it is true. I first met him when Judith was in hospital and I was the nursing officer in charge of the ward she was on. One day I walked past her room to see her sound asleep, which was unusual because at that point in her life her sleep was still filled with dreams of violence, pain and torture and so was usually anything but peaceful, even when we drugged her heavily. Curious to see why she should be so peaceful I slipped into her room and that is when I saw his feet sticking out from under the bed clothes. It  came as quite a shock I can tell you. Of course in a military hospital filled with so many young, passionate souls liaisons do take place, but even so……… Carefully so as not to wake Judith I lifted the bed sheet and there he was stretched out against her laying on his back, his shoulder tucked under her armpit with his head and shoulders turned towards her, obviously very at home in such intimate company.

At this time, some eighteen months into her time as a patient in hospital, Judith had been in my charge for a month and I have to confess that I had a crush on her - Big Time. Naturally I  did not act on my feelings, she was a patient and I her nurse, so I kept my feeling to myself, but we cannot always help when love strikes. It was seeing him at that moment that I realised that I had some serious competition. I also noticed with a small pang of jealousy that his head was resting on her breast, and I admit that I had already had dreams of being right where he was. Then he opened his eyes and looked up at me with these incredible blue eyes. He was very clearly right where he knew he belonged, she was all his and he knew it. It was the way they were so at ease tucked up against each other, their body language said it all. If ever I was going to get anywhere with her in the future Iknew that any relationship with her was going to have to be a three-way, this much I already understood in that instant.

A little later that morning I saw her father go into her room so I went in to say hello and see what might be going on in there. Harry was clearly trying to hide something underneath his large coat so I told him that I already knew about the cat in her room (you did not really think I was talking about a MAN do you ?). Then this very handsome blue eyed face popped out from the folds of his coat, purring like crazy. I am not sure which of their two cheeky faces I liked the most at that point. The feline fellow’s name was Jasper, a seven year old seal point Birmin. In the months that followed I learnt that Jasper was quite a character and rather devoted to his mistress. He was also clearly better therapy for her mentally than anything we medical staff could provide during her long recovery and so he was given permission to be a regular visitor, following his certification of fitness by a vet. 

 

 

Sometime later after Judith had left hospital she and I started tentatively dating. It was not always easy as the savage assualt on her and the subsequent two years of hospital had left some rather large emotional scars on her, but it was made easier by her two cats who acted as a bit of an emotional capacitor for her and eased her back into normal social interactions again. I quickly learnt that while I shared Judith’s body it was most definitely Jasper’s bed I was sharing. I was in a ménage et trios and had to get used to it ! The more time I spent with Judith the more I appreciated the company of this handsome male (and his half daft little brother Pip). When I talked to him he would listen, maintaining eye contact all the time, you wouls swear that he knew what you were saying to him. When I took a bath he would sit at the tap end and play with the bubbles and my toes, chatting away to me all the time.  When our friend Saskia moved in with us as she was dying Jasper seemed to know when she was frightened and lonely and would be there with her to ease her fears, staying with her until the night she died. As we adopted Saskia’s daughter Hilke and later on Nicholas he showed them how to respect animals. I was pregnant with Mariaske there was nothing Jasper liked more than to lay across my growing belly and purr in time to bay’s heart, to this day I swear he knew what was going on in there. In all the time I knew him he never once showed a bad temper, never clawed, bit or spat. He was gentleness itself and empathic in his compassion. He gave love as freely as it was given and could always be relied upon  to be there when you needed him.

But what I am most grateful for is his 18 years of company, comfort and love he gave to Judith, because that devotion was instrumental in helping her through some staggeringly dreadful times. While he enriched my whole family’s life and filled our home with a presence that was at odds with his physical size he has been so much more to her, soothing terrors and pains few people can ever truly appreciate. When we woke one morning a few weeks ago Judith knew immediately that there was something wrong with him, she always knows when something is up with one of the animals, though to me he appeared to be his usual self. Later that day I got a message that she had taken him to the vet, and she stayed there with him for the next two nights as he rapidly went downhill.  The morning after the second night she came home with him so we could all say goodbye to a most precious member of our family. Jasper died here in her arms at 10.00 on Wednesday 25^th January 2009, he was over 18 years old. I know she is never going to get over his loss, and even now weeks later she cannot even say his name without coming apart, but if any creature in this universe ever deserved so much grief it is Jasper.

 

This is Pip, well to be exact this is Pip Amadeus, he is a pedigree Birmin and he is sixteen years old. He and his big brother Jasper came into my life when I was 14 years old. While we had many cats on my parents farm these two were specifically my cats.

Jasper was always the bright, clever, empathic cat. He knew when I was upset or ill and was always close to me. Pip was the good looker, the blonde bimbo and like all blonde bimbo’s he was brainless. Of all the ctas I have known Pip is the dumbest, but when you have good looks and a sweet nature you can get away with it. He is the sort of dummy who will stalk a swan or seagull completely oblivious to the fact that they were bigger than him, often much bigger, and not about to let a mere cat get away with trying to make a meal of it without kicking his ass around the garden a few times. Last summer he tried to attack a seagull, I run to his rescue and ended up putting eight stitches in cuts to his back. Even after getting beaten up by more than one seagull he still has not learnt his lesson.

Then our children came along and while our oldest daughter came complete with an Assistance Guide Dog our son came all by himself. Pip and Nicholas immediately became an item. Pip had never been entirely comfortable being picked up, always he would have his legs out and claws ready to grasp onto anything close by for safety, but with Nicholas the claws went away and he is always happy and safe in his friends arms. Nicholas’s bed time became Pip’s bed time, and when I lift back the cover on Nicholas’s bed it is always to find Pip tucked up in his arms.

So then the other evening I saw Nina putting the cat’s tea down and calling them. Pip was sitting with Nicholas on the other couch and I noticed that Pip did not move when called, he did not even turn his head. Leaning forward I reached out with one hand behind Pip’s head and clicked my fingers. Nothing, no reaction at all. Nicholas signed to me that Pip would not react unless he felt the sound, I was shocked and asked what he meant.

“ Pip is not hearing so much Moeder” confirming what I was just realizing. I asked Nicholas how long he had known and why he had not told me. He said to me “ Should I have said something, he is just going deaf Moeder”

Yes, he is just going deaf, what is the big deal ? In this family being deaf is nothing unusual so just why would I expect him to mention that Pip was slowly going deaf? Have we done our job as parents so well that Nicholas just does not see his own deafness as something different?

I am of course sad. My cats are getting old and may not have many years left to them and Pips old age deafness suddenly brought how short their remaining time might be. I am also happy that my son does not see disability in others, he just sees the other, and for that I am very happy.

Author: Judith

Anneke died a couple of days ago, late in the evening. I had spent the day there in her room, sitting with her, talking to her, reading to her and playing with little Mariaske in between. I guess it may seem strange to some, a deaf person reading to a catatonic one, but we don’t really know just how much of her was there, how much of her was still able to know what was about her and we could not bear for her to die alone if there was any chance of awareness being there. So for the last few days we have made the journey up to Dordrecht knowing that at least Nicholas would never be left with the thought that no one cared about his mother. I hope she did not mind our company, or having her room invaded by children, a babbling baby tossing her toys about and a curious guide dog or two. I can remember how such noises were always comforting to me when I could still hear, so I would like to think that they were some sort of comfort to her somewhere inside.

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I was just about to leave and catch the last train home when I noticed the rise and fall of her chest had dropped to almost nothing, so I sat back down, held her hand with a finger on her pulse and waited. I had seen it all before. Afterwards I sat with her for an hour, and got my laptop out and messaged Nina back in Maastricht and we talked briefly about when to tell Nicholas his mother had died, deciding not to wake him but to wait for morning. One of the hospice nurses and I then tended to Anneke, and I made sure that Tigger was still with her and a picture of Nicholas. The staff kindly put Mariaske, Sissi and myself up for the night, and in the morning I was able to give the funeral home their instructions. As Anneke had no one else we have decided to bury her in Maastricht, so then when Nicholas is ready he can visit her.

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Our thanks to Maryse Noten and all her staff for their care, patience and assistance. I have often thought that hospice work is rather under rated, we have midwives to usher us into the world and hospice nurses to usher us out, it is noble a thing they do.

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Our thanks also for all the lovely replies to Tigger, and the mails. I will try and catch up on some of the enormous backlog of mails we have over the weekend, children permitting !

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Judith & Nina van der Roos

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