Willothewisp

Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

Reflections  On Love Part I

Across the lawn on the green wall, where she grows salad produce Judith is picking salad leaves with Mariakse, our three year old, the first born of my womb. Those leaves will go into the bowl to go with our meal this evening. She grows an amazing range of herbs and leaves there, many of which have a medicinal quality but all of which go to make some beautifully fragrant salad combinations. She is wearing one of her white linen summer dresses that mark the line of her slender frame so nicely. I am reflecting on the beauty I see. Mariaske is sitting on her shoulders to reach leaves at the top of the wall. I could hear Judith giving her instructions, always so very patient with the children, to me it is part of her beauty. The dipping evening sun was shinning through that white dress showing another aspect of her beauty. The funny thing is that I can see her naked form any time I wish but as I watched her there the covering of her long white dress seemed to be all the more erotic. I know that many couples on becoming parents feel a loss of their sexuality but watching that lovely form I wondered just how that could be because for me becoming a mother has enhanced the sensuality in my life. The more I watched the more I wanted to slip upstairs with her for a few minutes, and with those rather tantalising thoughts in my head I dozed off in the evening sun.

Gelukkige Tiende Verjaardag

I fall in love with her every day as we wake and the first thing I see is her sleeping face, every time she smiles as she wakes. Her smile is the sun rising into my life. For eight years I have seen her smiles deepen the laugh lines like parentheses on her lovely cheeks, setting her mouth off from the sentence of her face as though it were a secret known only to me.”

These words were written by Judith a couple of years ago as part of a lovely story of love, passion, and wonderful celebratory sex. Ever since I read these words the passage stuck in my mind having sparked one of those “Yes!” moments.

Cees, Peter, Mia, Nonke and I would like to wish Judith and Nina a very happy anniversary, May 12th will mark their 11th year together.

If you are new to this site, or a casual visitor you might not be aware of the extraordinary and painful events that brought them together, but from that dreadfull time we have watched this beautiful partnership grow as they have both grown. Despite some continuing challanges they have forged ahead to build a nurturing home for four children.
When Nina started dating Judith I seriously wondered if poor Nina had any idea of what she was getting herself into but then as I came to know her I realised that she knew exactly what she had gotten into, indeed she was just where she wanted to be. She has a warrior spirit and one who had found a cause she that felt was worth fighting for, it was perfect timing and Judith’s very good fortune. In return Judith brought the partnership the stability offered by a rock solid family ethic and the discipline of a sharply focused mind.
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Happy Anniversary my darlings.
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Lots of Love from all of us, XXXX
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Always

I always yearn to come to you,
be with you,
connect with you,
unite with you,
merge with you.
I always love to nurture you,
nourish you,
meet your needs,
feed your hungers.
I will always cherish you,
treasure you,
adore you.
I always want to be yours,
always, always, always.

Just how do I tell her ? How do you say what should be said ? How ?

Nina, a Lady In Waiting

This has been my dilemma for the last eight months, how do I say it, how do I show it in a way that properly reflects the enormity of the act. How do I tell this amazing woman how much her desire to have a baby for me means to me, and not just me but to my parents, my sister and many other relatives. In short, how do I tell her just how much I love her?

Now we are just a few weeks away from seeing what my child will look like. “My Child” what stunning resonance that simple phrase has with me. I do of course have “my children”, our two bright, adopted stars and the delightful little force of nature that is the fruit of Nina’s ovaries, together they form our three children. I would give up my own life for any of them in less than an instant despite none of them having any of my own genetic history. To me they are an extension of my own flesh and soul, they are as close to me as my own beating heart. Our children have been the best of all consolation prizes for the loss of my womb, no barren woman could ever have asked for more, so in this the universe has truly blessed me. If this had been as far as life for me could have gone I would have been very happy, if not exactly content I would still have been happy and grateful and yet………..

I do not know why it is that we women feel such a deep and abiding need to feel, to hold and nurture a life that springs forth from our own bodies, but I know that we do. I knew it from a very early age and I knew that I would be no different despite my particular sexuality. I knew that lesbian or not I was going to have children of my own. It was a rock solid certainty as I grew up that anchored me firmly to my femininity and to family. Then eleven years ago a man attacked me and during the fight a crushing blow hammered into my belly. I knew even then, in the very midst of all that violence and blood that what I felt inside me had been my uterus tearing open and even as my hands clasped frantically at my crotch I knew the wet, hot, sticky fluid pouring between my fingers was the blood that marked the end of having my own children. Half of me died right there in that little room, and for a long time after I hoped that the rest of me would follow.

To loose your ability to have children produces a terrible grief, a sort of morning sickness of the barren and unfulfilled. It is a form of grief like no other, because society denies us our right to grieve for the loss. No one holds a funeral for a lost womb, and so in time you have to find your own way through your grief and learn to live with the sure and certain knowledge that your own child is lost to you forever.

The universe, though normally cold and dispassionate, chose to smile upon me and hand me a love, it was such a love that my words could never do justice to, nor fully define it. Not only did she love me at a time when I was not a very lovable person, she loved without condition. Her big heart has happily accepted us adopting children, evolving effortlessly into her role as a mother and parent. Three years ago she told me she wanted to continue the journey we had started and have a baby herself. With a self assurance that was at odds with the young woman I had first met she set about conception and pregnancy and then she immersed me in her pregnancy as deeply as mere flesh would allow. While I could not have the baby myself I was as involved as I could possibly be, even to breastfeeding our lovely little girl just minutes after she was born. Few women can ever truly share their own child as much as Nina shared hers.

Last year a chance discovery was made. I had one functioning ovary complete with eggs. Hesitating only long to draw a breath in she told me she wanted my eggs, that she wanted to give me her womb, her entire body for nine months, so that I could have my own child. How does one respond to such a gift given so very freely and with so much love behind ?

Author: Judith

I am pregnant.

I have to say this to myself quite often because even now, some twenty seven weeks in, I still cannot quite believe it.

I am pregnant.

I think it is because this is a very, very special pregnancy. When I was pregnant with Mariaske it was of course special, she was my first pregnancy and birthing her was life changing for me. Mere thoughts of Mariaske lights me up inside, separation from her hurts me, reunion is an intense joy, watching her tuck up with Judith or Hilke and Nicky warms me. She is as the poem said, my north, south, my east and my west. My pregnancy with her was amazing, but this pregnancy is special, this pregnancy is, well………………

Egg Hunt !
Last year when we discovered by accident that one of Judith’s ovaries was still intact and functioning in an instant I was aware of my universe stopping dead in its tracks as the doctor uttered those words. My mind ran on and I realised that here was a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful chance. A chance for Judith to have the baby I know she was born to have despite the savage and traumatic loss of her womb.

Legs Up Judith, Egg Collection Time !

My mind raced through it – harvest her eggs, freeze them, prevail on our good friend to provide some sperm once again, have the clinic combine egg and sperm and implant the fertilised ova into my womb. I then provide the hotel services for nine months and Viola baby Judith !

When time restarted again words flew out of my mouth without my conscious effort; “I Want those eggs !” It was not a request, anyone thinking it was would have been greatly mistaken, those eggs were mine, I wanted them. If necessary I would take them by force because sometimes love needs to be expressed and shown. I moved to face Judith properly to say and sign it directly to her so she could not fail to understand, despite the problems with her eyesight; “I Want those eggs !”

She knew why I wanted them of course, stupid she is not. I knew what she would say, the arguments she would make about never wanting to put me at risk with an unnecessarily complex pregnancy or medical procedures. And she knew what I would say in response. This discussion took place in the time it took for us each to blink just once. When you know your partners soul so well discussion can take place in the finite and infinite moments between time itself. Discussion had been joined, arguments for and against made, voices raised, metaphorical crockery thrown and make-up sex taken place, all in a twitch of a facial expression. Her hand found mine and I was very happy when she found her voice and said to the doctor to arrange to have those eggs harvested, because all ability to speak had left my body.

And that is where this life now growing inside me really started. (“Life now growing inside me” – WOW!)

Egg & Sperm
Of course it was not that simple, few things worthwhile ever are. Firstly we have to prevail on our dear friend Nicholas (not to be confused with our son Nicky). For lesbians men still have a place in our lives if we wish to reproduce. Nicholas kindly donated sperm for us to have Mariaske and was happy to provide again. He is a real Gentleman in every sense of the word. Then Judith had to go to have her eggs harvested. She had to have regular blood tests done to measure the levels of hormones in her blood. Additionally, she had regular ultrasounds to observe the development of the egg follicles. Once her eggs had matured, but before they have been released from the follicle, they were harvested. In case you are wondering exactly how this is done I will tell you, but you may want to cross your legs now ladies.

This is done via a special ultrasound probe in the vagina. The probe is inserted and positioned under ultrasound control until the ovary can be seen on the scanner and then a needle goes through the top of the vagina and then through to the ovary where ten to twelve eggs are gathered. Judith informs me that it does not hurt, but keep in mind this comment comes from a woman who learnt to walk on a totally shattered pelvis, in my experience things like pain are relative ! Then we waited for my body to reach the point where my menstrual cycle put my uterine lining at its ripest. Fortunately my cycle is wonderfully predicable.

Lets Go Impregnate Me !

Ova Implantation

Then one day the lab works their magic and tells us they are ready for me to come in for implantation. It is not romantic as far as conceptions go, no candle lit baths, no romantic dinner, just a gynocological exam table top but it is the only way to proceed for these things. As soon as the kids learnt what was to happen they wanted in on it. We have always included the kids on all aspects of our expanding family. When two of your precious ones are adopted you have to make sure they have an active engagement in any new baby in order to avoid them ever feeling marginalised by a new arrival. Now I will grant you that in heterosexual relationships the occasion of conception would most likely be a private affair, in a bedroom perhaps, or the back seat of a Fiat Uno, a private box at the opera for the more sophisticated crowd (been there, done it, got the opera glasses !) but practicalities of lesbian life dictate a slightly more pragmatic way for us. So let me paint you a picture of the little outing that occasioned my impregnation, because I certainly think the little crowd that turned up at the clinic surprised the doctor, and she was already used to us !

Our kids, Hilke 8, Nicholas 7 are old enough to recall me being preggars with their little sister. In order to prepare them for seeing her being born they had spent time on my in-laws farm watching some animals being born, guided by my father in law Harry. We then carefully talked to them about pregnancy and birth so that by the time Mariaske arrived there was little they did not know about birth and were not in the least bit frightened or disturbed by what they saw. Children are amazingly resilient as long as you prepare the ground well for them.

Dr Meijer asked the kids if they knew what she was going to be doing.
“Yes of course, you are putting Moeder Judith’s ova into Mama Nina’s womb” came the adult and forthright reply from Hilke. The doctor was a little taken back by her matter of fact manner but recovered well to say “Yes of course you know” then added more to herself than anyone in particular “why did I think you would not !”

With me laying on the table and draped with some clean field sheets Dr Meijer picked up a speculum and hesitated and was about explain what she was going to do when Nicky saved her the trouble;
“Its a speculum for looking inside Mama, she has some in her medical bag at home” By now I could see Dr Meijer was starting to get a little rattled, its one thing to have your prcedure watched by your peers but quite another by two overly bright kids, but fortunately Judith told the kids to hush and just let Doctor do what she needed to do, suggesting that they each take one of my hands to hold. The ploy worked long enough to keep them quiet.

Once the doctor had the speculum in and the Os of the cervix dilated Implantation was via a thin cannula inserted into my womb via the Os. It only takes a few moments and very soon everything was removed from inside me and I could put my legs down. It was then Hilke, looking directly at the doc, delivered her coup-de-gras;
“That was very fast. Are you sure you did it properly? “ I love Hilke with all my heart and I am sure that she does understand the concept of “tact” but I think she just feels no good reason to use it. With implantation completed we were out of her office within a few minutes, probably to the relief of my poor doc !

Some Times You Loose
Sometimes for reasons better known to our body rather than ourselves it does not always take and our first try was not successful. As much as you try not to place too much hope into the first effort you always do end up investing a lot emotionally and as a result when that familiar pre-menstrual sensation starts to fill your belly you find your mood crashes as your hopes being dashed. Then you start to menstruate in earnest and it’s like you have been hit with a brick. Some tears and a couple of days later you dust yourself off and resolve to try again, knowing that what you are trying to achieve is worth a few days of tears.

And Some Times You Bleed
I would have kept on trying for however many eggs Judith had left, but that was not necessary as you now know. Some of us women know the moment when we actually conceive, a small and unique sort pain, then the sensation of a short trickle of thin, watery blood running down your vagina marking the moment the ova embeds into the uterine lining. It is exactly what I experienced about six hours after the second procedure as I lay resting on our bed at home. I put my hand down between my legs and brought it up to show Judith, she knew instantly what it was and the sun rose across her face. It was hope, it was conception !

Be Healthy, Be Happy

Nina Seeking Baby Names

Now my last trimester of this pregnancy is almost upon us, it has once again been a wonderful ride. I seem to fair well when pregnant, free from all those niggles and pains that so seem to afflict some. The secret is easy. Eat plenty of raw foods, lots of fibre, drink water, water, and more water. Exercise every day, never ride when you can walk and learn yoga. Have some professional singing lessons as they teach you how to breath properly which is indispensible when you are in labour. Be happy, get your family involved in every aspect of your pregnancy. Regardless of their ages immerse your other children in it, bring them along to any exams. Teach them about what is happening inside you and how you will give birth. In return they will love and support you no matter what happens and they will have a stronger connection to their siblings. When I laboured with Mariaske it was my children’s energy that made sixteen hours so effortless.

Embrace every change that goes on inside you, enjoy them because the pregnant body is most definitely a glorious thing. Make time for your partner, make time for love making, let go of your inhibitions and really enjoy it, enjoy it with passion and abandon.

Now, from my point of view, my aim is to make sure that this baby of Judith’s I am carrying will be in no doubt that it is surrounded in love.

Be Happy.

Author: Nina (Good Heavens Are You Pregnant Again) van der Roos.

I so loath and despise depression. For months now I have found myself mentally paralysed by it, I feel like it has robbed me of my voice,  my ability to write. Worse than this it has seized upon the process started by last year’s blindness and eroded further my self confidence.

I go online to chat to friends there and find myself so lacking in what  I used to think of as “me” that my mind becomes scrambled and words fly away leaving me unable to speak. I sit looking at their names on the screen willing myself to go forward and chat to just say even  a simple “Hoi”, an hour later I am still sitting, still looking. I want to write long letters to old close friends but again the blackness comes down and I sit there impotent, useless, silent.

“Be patient” I am told by those  of experience; “Wait, flow with it, one day it will come back to you” they soothingly sign to me, and I try, I really do but it is so very hard to excuse your own silly failings. I am told that its normal, brain surgery will do this. It will leave you depressed and lost but such reassurance does not make me hate myself for my weakness any less.

So for now I plunge into the Nina and the children for therapy, and try to use my summer garden as a muse to my thoughts. In my head I compose long rambling letters to friends and try to think what they maybe doing now, to picture their lives, ease their worries, then I sign my mental letter in my head – “With All My Love” because while I cannot set the words down it is still how I feel towards each and every one of them.

At least depression cannot take that away from me.

Author: Judith