Willothewisp

For those wondering why we have been a little pre-occupied of late, our son’s birth mother is dying. We adopted Nicholas about three years ago after fostering him for several very difficult months when he was turning two years of age. He came to us a very disturbed little boy, severely neglected and ignored by a mother who was incapable of looking after herself let alone a baby. The only time he had experienced being picked up and held was when he needed changing and as a result any time he got any attention he promptly soiled himself. His face was black and blue from bashing himself against his cot sides in an effort to receive some sort of stimulation, shut away as he was shut away in his room for days on end. His arms had much of their skin scratched off in yet another effort to experience some sort of stimulus, because pain is better than no sensory input at all . He was also malnourished. He hardly ever made a sound, being deaf himself he just did not know what sound was. Can you imagine being a baby, not hearing, hardly ever being touched, having a mere fraction of the human interaction any normal baby experiences – you would beat and scratch yourself too ?

-

So where was his mother, this woman who had put her own flesh into this living hell that was his existence, where was this “dead beat” ?

-

Since childhood Anneke had been a quiet, withdrawn child. In her first school she was identified as a child with potential problems, and by the time she was hitting puberty she was seriously depressed and in hospital. At 15 her depression was so serious that for three months she was completely withdrawn from the world. The first round of major psychiatric drugs brought her back for long enough to allow her to complete school, but no one who knew would ever say she was happy, not even content. The pattern of her existence had been set, and she started living her life in despair. In college she tried drink and for a little while it blotted out the misery that just waking up left her in. Later she graduated to hard drugs, and oddly enough for a few years she functioned. Then her parents died and she was left without living relatives and without that anchor she drifted further and further away from society. We know very little of the next five years of her life, there is no tax record of her working, there is no record of her claiming social security, she next pops up on society’s radar having just given birth to a baby boy in Breda. Midwives and social workers were concerned about her immediately as she appeared to be in the depths of a major depressive event, and placed her with her baby in a home where they could looked after together. Then one day she and the baby are gone and despite a major search she is not located. Eighteen months later she is picked up by the police in a squalid apartment in Heerlen, and this time she is admitted to a secure hospital and little Nicholas is treated for the worst of his neglect and then comes to stay with us for a while. While being treated in hospital Anneke tries to kill herself several times, each time taking a greater toll on her body and mind, until the last attempt leaves her all but catatonic.

-

After the last failed attempt I found myself hoping for her sake that she had finally shut that part of her mind down that had caused her such pain and anguish all through her life. Certainly Nicholas has suffered at her hands, but at no time has there ever been any suggestion that it was the result of any malice on Anneke’s part. Anneke is just one of those unfortunate individuals who for some reason we do not understand cannot exist in this world, and but for some slight variation of fate any one of us could be her.

-

Once it became clear that Anneke’s state was permanent we applied to adopt Nicholas, Nina having fallen in love with him the first time she saw him. It was a logical move having spent so much time and effort connecting him back to the world we could not bare to part with him, once again turning his world inside out and upside down. With no hope of recovery for Anneke and no living relatives the adoption went through easily.

-

During the time he has been a part of our family we have visited Anneke every couple of months and sat beside her and told her how Nicholas is doing and have always left a picture of him beside her bed. Occasionally Nicholas has come with us. She has never reacted but that is no reason not to do these things, because somewhere in there part of her may know, mothers always have a connection with their child at some level.

-

Now her liver and her kidneys are failing, her life is ending. This afternoon I sat in her room with Nicholas on my lap and we watched as Nina gave her a very careful wash and brushed her hair. We were rather touched when our six year old daughter took her hair grips out of her hair and handed them to Nina to put on Nicholas’s mother. We freshened the flowers in her room and then we helped Nicholas up to kiss her and he left his Tigger with her, one of his favored toys, tucked up in bed beside her.

-

Tomorrow I will catch the train back to Dordrecht and sit with her because she has no one else and no one should have to be alone at a time like this, even if their mind is already dead to the world. She brought Nicholas into the world, and he is now a delightful and sweet child so the least we can do is give her some of our time and care.

-

Author: Judith van der Roos

-willothewisp