Willothewisp

Posts Tagged ‘commitment’

Jumbled thoughts………

Ever Thine, Ever Mine

This morning I was sitting on the floor in our library playing with Mariaske and picking out books at random when I happened upon this passage in a biography of Beethoven. It is a letter written by Beethoven to his love, his soul mate the one love he’ll always love. He states that no one’s heart will be truer to hers other than his own, that only he will love her always and forever. He regrets being so far from her but mere distance doesn’t keep his thoughts away, in those he is always with her. He only feels happy, only complete when with her and in her arms, his soul only belongs there. Writing to her means that he is that much closer to her. He talks about one day being with her solely when their mutual love with be complete. When he asks her to be calm is he trying to calm her or himself I wonder. She is his love, she is his very life, and he asks her to never misjudge…never believe false tales and rumors…of the one man who loves her so unconditionally. He is ever hers as she is ever his…they are ever one.

“ Good morning, on July 7

Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us – I can live only wholly with you or not at all – Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits – Yes, unhappily it must be so – You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart – never – never – Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life – Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men – At my age I need a steady, quiet life – can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day – therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once – Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together – Be calm – love me – today – yesterday – what tearful longings for you – you – you – my life – my all – farewell. Oh continue to love me – never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.

ever thine
ever mine
ever ours”

They were separated by distance and duty, isolated and alone but their love and devotion would prevail

I cried.

I cried because ………………………..I felt sorry for myself. Self pity is so distasteful so it is not very nice to let it show, but it is worse when one really had no right or reason to feel it. Blind as well as deaf this year I have felt, at times very isolated and alone, and I also feel very guilty about that, because through it all I have had so much attention lavished on me and it is churlish of me to be so self indulgent.

Self doubt is a terrible thing, a rather pathetic and pitiful thing too, but right now I am riddled with it. I hate it, and I hate myself also. I know that I am loved as wonderfully as Beethoven loved his “Immortal Beloved”, if not more so and yet I feel unworthy of that love and unsure what I bring to our partnership at this time. I know bring all the negative things, deafness, blindness, baroness and burden, but just what do I bring that is positive?

All I have done this year is live in fear of the darkness, I have not been brave, I just clung onto what little sanity I could find as though it were the last straw in the ocean that I was drowning in. If you only knew just how frightened I have been, if you only knew how many times I came close to actually wetting myself in fright, how I have wanted to dive into our big linen cupboard and hide from the world

- - – - I am ashamed at myself.

I have survived this year through the help and very, very good grace of those around me, all of them, because each one has given me something of my life back this year……

Nina, My Beethoven; “Look for the good in all things” my mother always says, and in this horrid year Nina has in so many ways blossomed. Last weekend watching her as we readied ourselves for our trip to my Parents for Sinterklaas, I watched as she herded, cajoled, blackmailed and manipulated us all into readiness, she is now the mistress of our family, the ring master. I could feel the strength flowing off her and renewing me from one moment to the next. She has spent the weekend moving between my rather extended family members doing the diplomatic tricks that allow our sometimes rather disparate genetic pool to function as well as it does, deftly stepping between family frictions to smooth and calm. Despite having more and more responsibilities piled onto her as my abilities declined she has absorbed them and just kept going, all the while still working and doing her important job.

Maybe here is the other side to the bad karma I had been experiencing and if that is the case then it has not been such a bad year after all. I always knew she was a person of unique strength and passion, but now perhaps everyone else has had the chance to see it as well.

Author: Judith.