Willothewisp

Posts Tagged ‘life’

Judith News

Judith is home and recovering, on an enforced 2 month rest, which she is trying to adhere to with good grace ! I sent the kids off to their grandparents for a holiday on the farm which is allowing Judith to rest but leaves her a little lost. We will go and visit them this weekend and spend a few days there.

The surgery has improved her eyesight and she can now read text more or less unaided. She will remain night /low light blind and it looks like the one dead quadrant in her field of vision is also there to stay, but the improvement in general vision makes up for these deficiencies. Now we must re-build her confidence in herself and get her used to being out and about once more.

Letter to Myself

I was talking to my Mother-in-Law Yolanda the other morning. We had been talking about various things, Judith’s progress of course, the children, the wider family, many things. She is a wonderfully eccentric lady and I adore her. Most would describe her as a Hippy, which I guess she is if you define a hippy as a free thinking spirit who does not feel bound by society’s conventions. She and her hubby Harry farm an estate of three farms between Nijmegen and Arnhem. For many, many years they fostered children as well as adopting Judith and Carol. It was Yolanda who inspired me to go from being a surgical nurse to become a midwife after watching her at work as a doula and absorbing her philosophy of child bearing and birth.

Today we had been talking about my dysfunctional childhood and she asked me what I would say to myself if I were writing a letter to me when I was 17. It was an interesting thought and so I gave it a try, several tries as it happens but in the end I came up with a letter I was happy with. Then I filed it and went off to help make super, but in the small hours of the morning i wondered back and re-read it. It occurred to me

So after much thought here is a letter to myself, or rather myself of fourteen years ago:

Dear Nina,

At 17 you find it hard to see past the end of the next week but I want to give you a little “heads-up” on your future.

You already know you are lesbian and I have nothing to update you on in that regard, you are still playing on the girls team- Go Girls !

Breaking up is hard to do, but never settle for less than what is best for you because what is best for you is waiting out there so never be tempted to just settle.

Thank Mevrouw de Vrees once in a while, she is not the pain in the ass you think she is, she is just teaching you to be honest with yourself and help you get the most out of you.

You are thinking about going into the Koninklijke Landmacht, follow your instinct, it will serve you well.

When you are in a big city and see the trams moving about take the time to get to enjoy riding them because one day you will have the most important and romantic day of your life on one, and the romance of that tram trip will remain with you always.

Don’t worry about your parents and their total lack of parenting ability because you are going to meet some people in a few years who really know how to be parents and they will love you as their own.

As I sit here writing this letter to you I am looking at your future wife, surprised ? I know that right now you wonder how you will recognise real, meaningful love so let me tell you now that you need not worry about that. You will be in now doubt, none at all, from the first moment you see her as to the nature of true love. You will meet her when you least expect it, in the last place you would think of, under circumstances you could never foresee. I would tell you to be ready but there is no way you could ever be ready, sometimes you just have to let the train run over you. She is the perfect complement to the person you will become.

Now, here is the big shocker for you, are you ready? You have three kids !

I am your future you so I know that right now you do not feel you can be a mother or parent, I know that you have been told that motherhood will ruin your life but you must realise that are you are not your mother, you are you. You will amaze yourself, just trust in the Universe and draw upon the deep pool of strength that you have, and let your natural instincts guide you to being a mother.

With your wife you find true love, but it is with your children you understand how deep love runs. You will come to not only recognise love but realise that love of your children over rides all other considerations so you see you are not your mother. Where your mother is incapable of love, you most decididly are. Your oldest is a girl who is going to every bit as remarkable as her mother, you will have to wage a constant war of wits with her but she is so worth the effort. The middle one is your son, from the first time you see him he seizes your heart in a way that takes your breath away and I do not think you will ever get it back. He is a very special soul, look after him. Your youngest daughter is love and light, soft and gentle, from the moment you know you are carrying her in your womb you will be transformed. Having her will complete you in ways that I know you cannot yet understand, so be patient, do not be scared because there is nothing to fear when you have the love of those around you, protecting you.

And now ? well now you are pregnant again, with an extra special pregnancy, an amazing pregnancy, but that is all I am going to say, I will not spoil the surprise for you.

I could try and allay all those small worries and fears that I know you have right now but I am not going to because dealing with them by yourself is so much of what you become, that is to say ME.

Have faith and trust that the Universe will always place you where it needs you to be.

Love and Light.

N