Being Deaf
Until I was twenty years old I had perfect hearing. I loved music, I was an articulate and expressive person, a good communicator. Then one night a man smashed a hammer into my skull and six weeks later I woke to a very different world, seventy percent of my hearing was gone. Aside from the frustrations that I had with the rest of my body one of the most basic frustrations was that I was not hearing most of what was being said to me. Communication was no longer the effortless thing it had been in the past when I used to give no thought at all to an hour long argument on religion, now just trying to hear what was on the lunch menu was a huge exhausting effort. I would avoid starting conversations because of the hard work and effort that I had to make to understand every little word. People started to avoid talking to me because of the embarrassment of shouting at me and slowly but surely I found myself slipping into isolation. I soon learnt what it was to be all alone in a crowded room. As time past and I slowly made some degree of recovery from my injuries I was fitted with a sophisticated digital hearing aid. The transformation was amazing and I started to feel part of society again, even though sounds were not the same. I could only hear on side, the other having been smashed into oblivion, but even so I once again felt connected to society. I was happy to once again start a conversation, argue and debate, but now I knew how precious such an ability was.
On my first annual hearing check after getting the digital hearing aid I was informed that it was almost certain that one day the hearing I currently had would fade away, perhaps even just stop, and that I should prepare myself for that day. I laughed, how do you “prepare for that day”. How do you even try to imagine what a silent world will be like ?
Finally I came home after my two year stay in hospital. I kept finding books and articles on sign language dotted around my parents house and eventually I became irritated and told my parents that they did not need to leave these books around for me to find, and that when I was ready I would learn to sign and lip read. My father, always the calm, cool head turned to me and said “My dear they are not for you, they are for us, we have all started courses in sign language, one day you will need us to know it”. Feeling chastised and ashamed I contacted my cousin Nonke and asked her to teach me. I learnt sign language, Dutch Sign language (DSL) and then British Sign language First (BSL).
Sign Language
As I leant to sign I met more and more people from the deaf community and I started to understand that their forthrightness and bluntness was not a personality flaw or fault it was a necessary tool in their silent world. The Deaf are very straightforward and uninhibited in the way they communicate with each other, and with all other people as well. We don't "pussy-foot" around. Sometimes this directness comes off as seeming rude. Hearing people tend to cover up their true meaning more than the Deaf do and it is annoying to a deaf person. Deaf read the body language before the words, so most of the time they know the real meaning even when the words don't match up. The words confuse the meaning, and makes it difficult to communicate. A deaf person’s world is where sign language is spoken, people listen with their eyes, facial expressions and body language say as much as the human voice. Sign language is a wonderfully articulate and expressive ballet that can convey much more than mere words. They have complex grammars of their own, and can be used to discuss any topic, from the simple and concrete to the lofty and abstract.
Loosing It
For six years my hearing remained and I was able to fool myself into thinking that what I was left with might just remain for forever. The one Autumn I had just come back to my base in Germany after an extended exercise in the field and was telling my colleagues about the trip when I reached to my ear to turn up the gain on my hearing aid. When a sudden flush of panic I realized that it was now one setting down from its highest, yet when I had first got it I had always had it set to the lowest. I tried to tell myself I was wrong, I took it off and checked it, I put it down to the original setting and listened but there was nothing to hear. I told Nina that I believed my hearing was going. That Christmas at home with her I kept asking her to talk to me all the time, I was trying to fix her voice, every little sound mannerism she had, and even her laugh, into my mind like I was a tape recorder. I was terrified that once deaf I would forget what she sounded like, that I would forget that one of the reasons I had fallen in love with her was her lovely voice. I was waking in the middle of the night in a cold sweat realising that my life was about to radically alter. I would gently put my ear near to her mouth and listen to her breathing as she slept. When we made love I would be focused on the sounds that I wanted to keep inside my head forever. On New Years Eve after we had watched and listened to the fireworks busting in the sky over Maastricht she put her lips to my ear and told me she loved me,…………and I cried and cried and cried knowing I would never hear her say that again.
The Reality Of Reading Lips
Despite the popular media portrayal of Deaf characters who can easily read lips from great distances using binoculars, only a small percentage of spoken English words-some studies put the number at 30%-are visible on the lips. Due to the guesswork involved, misunderstandings can easily arise, making lip-reading unreliable and frustrating. Some Deaf people are more skilled than others, while many cannot lip-read at all. Still, Deaf people often have public encounters where they are commonly expected to carry on a conversation by reading lips. To ensure full communication, it is best to retain the services of certified sign language interpreters.
Conclusion
There are many hard things associated with being deaf, but the one that is hardest to deal with is not the one of intolerance by the hearing, as most (hearing) people assume. Rather it is the fact that inside your head you are left to spend some much time with your own thoughts. When I had my hearing I never appreciated how much sound distracts and comforts you, the sound of the TV on in the background as you do house work, the music from your car stereo as you drive, the sounds of children or animals playing as you study. As a result I find that many things take on an importance that is disproportionate to how they used to be, and in my case no where has this had more impact than in my personal relationships. In short, if you can hear and you think that deaf people can be a little odd, then just try and imagine how you would be if all you had in your head for every second of every day was your own thoughts. Rates of depression amongst death people are anecdotally higher than in the general population, but knowing this helps us to use little methods to cope with it and avoid this particular trap. I miss music terribly but I get immense joy from seeing Nina listening to music, seeing her tap a hand or foot in time to the tune, seeing her doing a little dance. I love watching our children as they sing along with Nina to some tune or another, because while I cannot appreciate the music any more I can appreciate the pleasure it brings to others. Of all the things I miss it is the voices of family, you never realise how reassuring they are until they are no longer there.
Our son is profoundly deaf, but recently he has started to speak after a great deal of work by Nina and Nonke. I know how hard it is to learn to speak and I did it after having already developed it naturally as a child, so I have some idea of the work he has to do just to say the simplest sentence. I will never hear what he sounds like but seeing him speaking fills my heart with pride every time. When you are born profoundly deaf and have spent the first years of your life mute the muscles in your throat do not develop as a speaking child’s do, so learning to speak requires considerable physical effort for many years, and it certainly requires mental effort in order to assemble the words, then try and speak them while all the time unable to hear what it is you are saying.
A Deaf Joke
One day, two men where in bus travelling to a magic mountain. It was reported that at that mountain if you got to the top that you could be healed! As they were driving they could see the mountain in view. The bus came to a stop. The first man, who was in a wheelchair, started for the top. He kept on pushing his way...Finally, he arrived at the top and he stood up walked a few steps and threw his wheelchair over the edge. and ran back to the bus yelling he was healed!!!
The next man heard what was happening and he got out of the bus. He took out his cane as he was blind and made his way to the top. He also threw his cane over the edge because he too was healed! Down he ran to the bus. The driver saw what was happening and he decided to give it a try. He and his interpreter, as the driver was Deaf, made their way to the top. After a short while the driver came down. The other men asked if he was healed. the driver explained; “I don't need a healing. I'm very happy being Deaf but I was really sick of my interpreter and I threw her over the edge”.
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